From team sports to alone in the gym, through operations and eating disorders – I never could have predicted the last 5 years of my life. This is my story of how I got to where I am today.
Reading time: 6 minutes
I was a sporty kid, and loved getting outdoors, getting active and trying new things. I tried every sport under the sun, but competitively played basketball, athletics, volleyball, soccer (football) and footy (Australian Rules football). There was always fresh healthy food at home and rarely any soft drink, cookies, chocolate or chips. I was never overweight or underweight.
I was however, still quite self conscious of myself and my body. I received snide comments from girls here and there during primary school, and then as I went through puberty I became acutely aware how big my thighs were compared to other girls. You’d never catch me in a skirt or dress and I wore board shorts over my racing swimmers at swimming carnivals. I distinctly remember my dad saying to me at footy once “You know why you can kick so far Emma? It’s coz you’ve got big strong legs. None of the other girls have big legs like you”. He intended it as a compliment… but I certainly didn’t take it that way.
At 16 years old while playing representative footy I ruptured my Anterior Cruciate Ligament (ACL) in my left knee. I went off for surgery, was diligent with my rehab, and got back into sports. At 20 years old I needed a second knee reconstruction, and was told I had permanent articular cartilage damage. I was advised I should avoid running and dynamic movements; basically to stop playing the sports I loved.
I think this second knee reconstruction at 20 years old is what changed everything for me, though I didn’t realise it at the time. I became aware that I wasn’t exercising as much, and I couldn’t get away with eating as freely as I used to. Time the reconstruction with a breakup… and my self confidence was in tatters and began to be realised through disordered eating and exercise.
It started with meal replacement shakes and cardio. I essentially replaced two meals a day with diet shakes (never do this) and started doing various YouTube video workouts aimed at “inner thighs” or “toned abs”. This was combined with an unnecessary amount of cardio; some workouts I’d go for 20 minutes each on the rower, bike and crosstrainer.
At the start of 2014 I started weighing myself every day. I came across the MyFitnessPal app and started tracking my food. I looked up calculators online for recommended calories for weight loss… then promptly ignored recommendations and decided I was going to eat 1600 calories a day… indefinitely. (this is not enough for a 173cm / 68kg active female for an extended period of time).
My combination of meal replacement shakes, low calories and unnecessary cardio deprived my body of what it needed. When food became freely available, I tried so hard to resist but my restriction lead to binging. And then, the binging lead to purging, by self-induced vomiting.
This went on for a few months, during which time I came across Kayla Itsines Bikini Body Guide. I adopted the plyometric/cardio workout style and followed a lot of the nutrition guidelines she set out. I endeavoured to eat as “clean” as possible and believed in a number of nutrition fallacies (eg. brown rice and sweet potatoes being “better” than white rice and white potatoes). There was no goal or timeline I had in mind… just to be smaller.
I thought the restrict/binge/purge cycle was just a “phase” I was going through and I could snap out of it any time. I couldn’t. It took me a long time to acknowledge that I had a problem. It took even longer before I opened up to my family about it.
For the majority of 2014 I suffered from bulimia and I ended up seeing my GP and getting a mental health plan. I found an eating disorder psychologist in my city and started seeing her every couple of weeks. At the beginning of 2015 I started going to small group, positive body image therapy classes. This combination helped immensely and I doubt I would have recovered without it.
So the bulimia had stopped… but the binging hadn’t. Come April 2015 I was still eating 1600 calories a day and doing these plyo workouts. I came to the realisation I needed to eat more, but I was still scared of putting on weight. I went and saw a sports nutritionist but her high protein/low fat approach did nothing to curb my binging.
In the end it was flexible dieting (counting macros) and online coaching that saved me. Under guidance, my calories were brought up and my cardio brought down. It took time but I now embrace the fact that no foods are good or bad, and everything and anything can be enjoyed in moderation.
My workout style has also changed. I briefly made a return to footy but after reinjuring my knee yet again my days of running, jumping and sports are well and truly over. My focus is now on hypertrophy and strength workouts in the gym, and turning this focus to strength rather than appearance/weight has also done nothing but good for my self confidence.
That being said, I am not sure if I will ever be truly free of the eating disorder mindset. I have had a few lapses recently, but I am well and truly past the worst of it and in a better place after opening up. I’ve had a few hard lessons, which I thought I would share:
- Binging does not mean you lack “motivation” or commitment to your routine, and the answer is not to “try harder” or restrict further.
- Exercise to feel strong and accomplished, not to look a certain way.
- If you are injured, there is always something you can do to remain active.
- If you are struggling, you are worthy of help. You deserve to be mentally healthy and no issue is too small.
- You probably can’t beat your demons alone; let other people in – they want to help you.
- It is possible to reach body composition goals without resorting to extremes with your diet and exercise.
- That said, you will not be a happier nor love yourself more once you reach a certain weight or look.
I hope that no one goes through what I go through but if you are, or if you have, keep fighting. Keep fighting for yourself, for your health and for your happiness. It will be worth it.
Em Wizz Fitness 